Ok guys, so I've been working on this for a few days. I guess we could call it a song, but since I dont play any instruments I guess right now its just ramblings. but let me know what you think anyways. maybe if i can ever get motivated and learn my guitar, it'll turn into something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You gave up and walked away.
It was just so much easier to never look my way
Wanted to stay young forever
didn't want to settle down
but little boy even Peter Pan chose to be a man.

But now you've lost me
and I can't hold on
I tried my best but i couldnt fight alone
You couldnt see it till you lost me.

The words you said still echo in my heart
and the things you did will never leave my head
I'm torn in two cause i never wanted to have to let you go

But now you've gone and lost me
I can;t hold on
I tried my best but I couldn't fight alone
and you refuse to see till you lost me

So how does it feel to be alone?
Got what you wanted and now you can't take it back
Sorry baby but you set me free
Now you can bask in your own misery while I pick up what's left of me

Cause now you've lost me
and I won't hold on
I did my best but didn't want to fight alone
As you can see now you've lost me.

I've run out of words to keep trying to explain to everyone who asks how I feel. I'm usually great with words. But sometimes, words just aren't enough. 

this one is raw. 

and then this one is what i feel like when i wake up in the middle of the night. I still haven't slept a full night

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I'm trying to feel better. I really am. Everyone seems to think that I'm just trying to wallow in it. But I'm not. I'm trying to keep busy and keep my mind focused on other things. But then I'll see something that reminds me. A song on the radio. Or I'm unpacking boxes and I see his sweatshirt that he let me have. and I just break down all over again. 

this is stupid. and ridiculous. but part of me knows its the right thing. i know that this is what we both need. i really do. but my heart is telling me that i'm an idiot. telling me that i'm completely clueless. and telling me that i need to do everything i can do get out of here as fast as i can. 

i miss my home. and my god awfully small apartment. and i miss the heat and the thunder storms. i miss it all and i want to go home. right now. 

"Today marks a profound and bittersweet milestone for all of us, as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning. And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow. "

The Prince and Me. Such a silly movie, but words that give me comfort. That make me feel strong.

I can't continue to justify and explain the current situation to everyone. I feel that it will have to be something that only he and I will really understand. And that is okay with me. I don't need to explain myself anymore. I don't need to justify why I feel the way I feel. Those feelings and thoughts belong to me. and only me. and for those who can't pr are unwilling to understand that, it's you I feel bad for.

Chick flicks aren't so bad after all.

There is no shame in defeat. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do it alone. I'm going home next week. Home to California. My home here has fallen apart. The person I love has decided to start some kind of journey to self discovery. Without me. Fine. I wont stop him from doing so. But now I need to be strong. I need to pick myself up and start over. Without him. And let him do what he needs to do. This chapter in the book is over. And now it's time for me to start a new one. And now I sit, sorting through things. My things. His things. Our things. And I'm terrified to take any of it cause I'm afraid of missing him. And missing my life. How is this supposed to be ok? I have boxes to pack.

I wish I could get a job doing this. I sat down the other day, and really tried to figure out what it is that I'm really good at, and all I could come up with is this. I'm good at connecting with people. Most of the people I truly call friends at this stage of my life, are people I've met in this wonderful community. And I want to be more active. Maybe I'll volunteer to help with Podcamp? Or attend more tweetups. I love tweetups. I love being able to go out and hang out with everyone and see what everyone is up to with their projects. I mean really? What's better than this? oh and PS-Jason's camera is working again! Which means more vlogging for me! yay!

I hate this stupid condo i'm living in. My landlord is a crazy person. The realtor i have to deal with is an idiot. The condo is literally unstable.  The floors squeak. The carpet looks like someone stapled it to the floor. The pipes are loud. If the neighbor turns on her shower-i can hear it. The washing machine sounds like the space shuttle is taking off from where its located and shakes the entire place.  People go to the jacuzzi at all hours and make SO much noise. Don't care if they hang out, but do u need to yell at eachother? My door overlooks the damn pool! It's really effing far from everywhere i need to be. It wasnt when I first moved, but circumstances have changed, and now, its completely out of the way.    Lawyers have looked at my lease and pretty much told me im stuck here. Apparently the lease is written very vaguely  which means they can come after me for almost anything, which they've already found reasons to do.    someone figure out a way for me to move. please?

but i AM going to update this damn blog.    I've decided that my dream job would be director of new media at either an up and coming company-or at an existing one. Social networking and new media is my love. I wish i had more time for it, and if i was getting paid for it, then i'd have time AND get paid for it.   So that means vlogs and blogs. i promise. and if i dont...you all can punish me. i swear.